I had two significant coming out moments with my family in my teenage years. The first was when I was a pre-teen and had just understood that I was attracted to multiple genders. The second was when I was eighteen and reaffirmed to my parents that I wasn’t going through a phase and that no, I wouldn’t eventually “pick” gay or straight.
If you have come out as bisexual and think this will be the last time, think again. Bisexual people have to face re coming out every time we’re in a new relationship, single, or to remind friends and family we aren’t going through a phase. I’ve had to come out numerous times with friends and acquaintances again and again my entire life.
I have a plethora of experience in this arena being a seasoned professional bisexual. Here are some tricks of the trade for the newly out bisexual babies.
1. Tattoo It On Your Body
It may seem extreme but it’s a tool that will last you for a life time. Pick a prominent place on your body and tattoo the word “BISEXUAL” on it. Make sure to use the bi pride colors in your tattoo in case the word bisexual doesn’t do the trick. Suggested locations include forehead, chest, or hand for easy viewing.
2. Hire A Court Announcer
Bring some 16th century realness to your coming out by hiring a court announcer to introduce you before entering every room. It’s retro and completely instagrammable. You can add any other titles to your identity: poly, monogamous, ethical slut, or even bi iconic.
3. Change Your Name In Friend’s Phone To “Token Bisexual”
When adding your contact information to a new friend’s phone, add yourself as a token bisexual. Make sure to go through your existing friends and family’s phones and change it there as well. You’ll stop receiving phone calls and texts because they won’t be able to find you until they remember you’re the token bisexual.
4. Send a Bi Annual Newsletter
I’m not sure how often a bi annual newsletter goes out (is it twice a year or every two years?) but the confusion will only speak to those who think you’re confused about your bisexuality. Send the reminder out as an email, snail mail, text message, phone calls, DMs, Tinder message, and smoke signals – you don’t want anyone missing it.
5. Whisper It Periodically Throughout Conversations
It doesn’t have to be relevant to the conversation. Whenever you’re around a group of people making small talk randomly whisper “bisexual” throughout the conversation. If someone asks what you just said, act like you have no idea what they’re talking about. Eventually this will work as a form of brainwashing that may alter them to assuming everyone is bisexual.
Is it creepy? Absolutely. Is it effective? Potentially.
6. Throw A Surprise Party
Invite all your bisexual friends over and surprise every straight, or gay, person in your life by inviting them over too. When they come in yell “Bisexual!” At first they’ll be surprise, first because it’s a room of bisexuals and it’s not an orgy, but eventually they’ll settle down just in time to ask you pejorative questions about having sex with “both” genders.
7. Hit On Literally Everyone
When around your friends or family that might be questioning your sexuality, hit on every person in the vicinity. They don’t even have to be attractive. If they have a pulse and are at the age of consent tell your friends, you find them hot. Make sure to switch up the genders to always keep them guessing.
If these suggestions don’t work, just repeat them again until they do. Or, better yet, gay and straight people can believe us the first time we come out as bisexual.
Get a bisexuali-tee in my merch store.